Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Smirnoff Passion Fruit Vodka- Roofie Team Approved
So it's a recession and I work for a goblin, so when it came time to buy a bottle of mixable (i.e. non-jameson) substances for my roommates birthday, i felt bad buying the georgi but couldn't afford the dirty bird, so i went for the smirnoff. i usually pass on the flavors (the raspberry just smells like vomit) but the passion fruit was calling my name. it's a totally sexual fruit. so i bought the passionfruit smirnoff bottle and proudly toted it home through the projects. it, alas, never got opened at the party itself, and 4 days later i've decided to give it a taste to take the edge off the day. amazingness. of course, it's way too sweet but so delicious. i'm going to drink some in the morning before my star studded day tomorrow to freshen my breath and sexify my day.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Roofy 1.0?
another roofy situation lies in quiver.
do not let people put this into
1) your drink
2) your food
3) your office water cooler.
Benefits of Being Roofied
when you are roofied you don't remember anything, which could pose a problem when it comes to public humiliation, unprotected sex, or - if you're fat like me - eating, but it is, however, a wonderful thing if you hate your job. I'm dreaming of a nice big roofie right now.
Friday April 10th, a Roofied Night
What really happened from 12am-1am that night:
9:07pm: My phone rings...i'm at dinner and have been for the past 2 hours and 7 minutes and am still waiting for my entree (side note: I haven't eaten all day and my mood is GREATLY affected by how much or little i've eaten so i am NOT happy)...it's Alex and since i am already 7 minutes late for the party she is throwing for her roommate I pick the phone up at the table and loudly chat away while the couple next to our table stares at me. Alex has called to tell me that Stanky Legg is on TV...im really glad i introduced everyone to the SL.
10:00pm: I get out of the shower and Belle texts me asking me to buzz her in...i am like HOLD UP why are u at my apartment right now i am in a towel but shes actually just arriving to Alex's party which I am now an hour and half late for...nice
10:45pm: A few (dozen) missed calls and texts from Belle and Alex and I'm finally ready to head to the party...
10:46pm: Alex informs me that they are heading to the bar...i'm bone sober, save the two glasses of prosecco at dinner, and there is no way i'm meeting up with them without at least one (very) tall vodka something....if i remember Alex's last party correctly, its pretty safe to say that she and Belle have been scarfacing meth death vodka gummy bears out of a cake batter bowl for at least an hour
12:00pm: I finally arrive (3 hours late, a new record for me) at the bar....i find Belle, grab a vodka tonic and look for Alex
12:15pm: HOLY HOT MESS..i find Alex face to face with a large and in charge black man who is either holding her up or feeling her up...possibly both. i go up to her and give her a look that clearly says 'wtfisgoingonhere'. she does a dive forward roll through this guys arms. she lands in my chest, so does her drink. I hang her from a coat rack and go to find Belle to get the pile of puddy that was once Alex in a cab. We return to find her once again being molested by large and in charge so we pull her away nd head for the bathroom. We make it into the bathroom JUST before large and in charge falls down the stairs trying to following us, smashes his drink on the floor, barrels into the boys bathroom and pukes all over the floor.
12:16pm: we are safe in the bathroom and Alex is speaking fluent Japanese, which would be impressive if she weren't trying to speak English...after a quick dip (literally) in the toilet Alex is upright and large and in charge busts into the girls bathroom...girls scream, Belle hits him with her "insert designer purse here" and we are once again safe
12:30pm: large and in charge is apparently a fan of the puke and rally and he is again up in my homegirl's sh*t....i've had enough...homeboy is a serious creeper, homegirl is seriously not able to stand on her own, its seriously time to go
12:35pm: Alex closes her tab and leaves her credit card on the bar, which i retrieve and put in her purse. Belle and i get crazy face into a cab with her neighbors and all is right with the world...large and in charge tries to get in the same cab. relentless
1:08am: Alex calls me and asks me to close her tab.
9:07pm: My phone rings...i'm at dinner and have been for the past 2 hours and 7 minutes and am still waiting for my entree (side note: I haven't eaten all day and my mood is GREATLY affected by how much or little i've eaten so i am NOT happy)...it's Alex and since i am already 7 minutes late for the party she is throwing for her roommate I pick the phone up at the table and loudly chat away while the couple next to our table stares at me. Alex has called to tell me that Stanky Legg is on TV...im really glad i introduced everyone to the SL.
10:00pm: I get out of the shower and Belle texts me asking me to buzz her in...i am like HOLD UP why are u at my apartment right now i am in a towel but shes actually just arriving to Alex's party which I am now an hour and half late for...nice
10:45pm: A few (dozen) missed calls and texts from Belle and Alex and I'm finally ready to head to the party...
10:46pm: Alex informs me that they are heading to the bar...i'm bone sober, save the two glasses of prosecco at dinner, and there is no way i'm meeting up with them without at least one (very) tall vodka something....if i remember Alex's last party correctly, its pretty safe to say that she and Belle have been scarfacing meth death vodka gummy bears out of a cake batter bowl for at least an hour
12:00pm: I finally arrive (3 hours late, a new record for me) at the bar....i find Belle, grab a vodka tonic and look for Alex
12:15pm: HOLY HOT MESS..i find Alex face to face with a large and in charge black man who is either holding her up or feeling her up...possibly both. i go up to her and give her a look that clearly says 'wtfisgoingonhere'. she does a dive forward roll through this guys arms. she lands in my chest, so does her drink. I hang her from a coat rack and go to find Belle to get the pile of puddy that was once Alex in a cab. We return to find her once again being molested by large and in charge so we pull her away nd head for the bathroom. We make it into the bathroom JUST before large and in charge falls down the stairs trying to following us, smashes his drink on the floor, barrels into the boys bathroom and pukes all over the floor.
12:16pm: we are safe in the bathroom and Alex is speaking fluent Japanese, which would be impressive if she weren't trying to speak English...after a quick dip (literally) in the toilet Alex is upright and large and in charge busts into the girls bathroom...girls scream, Belle hits him with her "insert designer purse here" and we are once again safe
12:30pm: large and in charge is apparently a fan of the puke and rally and he is again up in my homegirl's sh*t....i've had enough...homeboy is a serious creeper, homegirl is seriously not able to stand on her own, its seriously time to go
12:35pm: Alex closes her tab and leaves her credit card on the bar, which i retrieve and put in her purse. Belle and i get crazy face into a cab with her neighbors and all is right with the world...large and in charge tries to get in the same cab. relentless
1:08am: Alex calls me and asks me to close her tab.
Friday April 10th, a Roofied Night
10:00 PM- arrive to see alex drinking out of red classic beer pong cup. as per usual, i am an hour late to said party. drinking commences. tequila shots in hand. more later on tequila + belle = disaster. stanky legg dancing begins as well as vodka gummy bear/snake intake..much like a drunk gummy zoo. lots of dancing. lots of stanky legg teaching.
11:30 PM- I take cab with a drunk alex, i am drunk as well; however, missing an hour of drinking has set me back somewhat. i am still tipsy, like j-kwon. i arrive at the bar with alex and the group, only to find that alex is beyond intoxicated, and apparently, drinking straight whiskey (her regular drink of choice). i have vodka soda..i think, maybe vodka sprite. note: no roofie. the drink was clear, that's my thing (i spill a lot). i then go downstairs with alex, who proceeds to sit on the toilet and tells me...
"i love you, don't leave me. you're going to leave me. i'm so drunk. don't leave me. you always leave me."
alex = roofied. back at the bar we continue to drink, and there is an arrival from sam...we quickly notice a slurring and dancing alex. (note: sam is completely sober). at this point, we have both concluded that alex = roofied. big rapper-esque man who came with our group (randomly) is trying to get some alex-loving. we step in, go down to the bathroom (for the second time) to get rid of said guy. the guy barrels into bathroom, and i promptly slam the door on him yelling
"get the hell out!"
this statement was probably stated in a more PG-13 manner. we attempt to get this guy out of the bar, but to no avail. we then proceed to go upstairs and sam & i create a barrier around alex. as i realize i, too, am drunk. however, i quickly sober up as much as possible to keep the crazy barreling man out of our way. he tries to break through our barrier. FAIL. we do a sort of "stop, in the name of love" move, and make sure he backs away. i go back to the bar to convene with sam about our plan of action...alex is still dancing around (not stanky leggin').
somewhere between 12:30 AM-1:00 AM: still attempting to keep guy away from alex. alex finds new guy. sam and i step in, still attempting to get this guy away. at some point i threaten to kick his ass (shots kicking in). note: i have left the bar by 1 AM. refer to sam for more updates.
Friday April 10th, a Roofied Night
9:10 pm- not roofied. other than a few sloppy trips and falls during the stanky legg and a questionable tequila shot, we are drunk but definitely not roofied. there are vodka soaked gummy bears and some people on the porch i don't think we know. there's also a fight busting out at white castle, but i remember it, so i'm not roofied.
11:20pm- i don't think we are roofied yet. i remember the cab ride, but i'm not sure if i was wearing my jacket. we get to the bar and i throw down my card. i think we are drinking whiskey. i am slurring but still, i don't think we are roofied...yet.
estimated time of roofie-ing- 11:43pm- i do not remember anything for the next 2 hour span. i did make it home with my credit card, shoes, underwear, and nothing is broken or bleeding. i did have to call people 4 times to ask them to close my tab, but it was already closed. i came back to earth around 1:57am, when i decided to start drunk-texting, oversharing private information and embarrassing myself. i got back to my apartment safely but slept on the couch because i thought someone was in my bed. i think it was my roomate.
lesson learned: if you don't remember anything and your tab was only $43 (and you drink like us), you were roofied.
- Alex (andra) Kelly
11:20pm- i don't think we are roofied yet. i remember the cab ride, but i'm not sure if i was wearing my jacket. we get to the bar and i throw down my card. i think we are drinking whiskey. i am slurring but still, i don't think we are roofied...yet.
estimated time of roofie-ing- 11:43pm- i do not remember anything for the next 2 hour span. i did make it home with my credit card, shoes, underwear, and nothing is broken or bleeding. i did have to call people 4 times to ask them to close my tab, but it was already closed. i came back to earth around 1:57am, when i decided to start drunk-texting, oversharing private information and embarrassing myself. i got back to my apartment safely but slept on the couch because i thought someone was in my bed. i think it was my roomate.
lesson learned: if you don't remember anything and your tab was only $43 (and you drink like us), you were roofied.
- Alex (andra) Kelly
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